23 Feb 22' I miss you

Time traveled fast and months just flew. “Hey, how was your day?"—one thing I want to to ask you every single day. It's been long since I saw your smile, it's been long since we chattered away happily, and it's killing me that I can't even retrieve some memories clearly. I know memories will fade at some point in life—or will they?—but it shall not be now. I want to keep hold of all those memories, good times we had, the thoughts we shared, and all those precious laughters.

It feels as if I'm trapped in the grasp of memories sometimes. I would have been much more stable if those were happier memories but I feel sorrow, guilt, and pain from my deepest heart. I feel sorry because I wanted to make you not feel lonely but it turned out that I made you feel left alone.

Of course I think about our good old days too, but those memories are very ironic. It puts me in raptures yet washes me over in poignant memories, regrets, and pains. Then I always ask myself, 'What could I have done better?' or 'What could have been a better choice?' Then I realize there was nothing I could do to prevent anything that’s happened to us, and such thought makes me helpless.

I hope that the fire we both made still burns a little in you. I sometimes wonder if you miss me like I do and if you think of me as often as I do. I have so many questions to ask deep down. I know I can't and it's most likely that I won't be able to ask them for the rest of my life. But all these emotions and thoughts are completely draining me, leaving me soulless. I try not to let the memories we shared fade in my cartesian theater. I replay certain scenes over and over again every single day.

When I close my eyes, I see our times flash. Then I just let a series of peak moments wash over me, some of our heartbreaking moments and the happiest days. I hope some day the memories will be beautified for both of us so we can let go of some poignant times we had. Some day, I hope to see you and say 'Hey, how've you been?' without hesitating. I hope one day, it happens vice versa with that happy innocent smile on your face.

I dream about you and us sometimes. Most of the times when you show up in my dreams, it's tragic and traumatic. I guess it will be the same for you as well and I am deeply sorry for that. But please, even though I get night terrors sometimes, even if I wake up bawling my eyes out some days, I still want you to show up in my dreams as long as I live.

Honestly, I don't want you to get over me. I would hate it if you forget about us and the love we had. I want you to remember me, the times we shared, the fire we had made, and never let go of them. Friends and all my beloveds tell me the guy isn't just right for me 1) if he does not want to make it through his tough times with me and 2) if the guy leaves me on your worst days. You qualify both but I bear you no grudge.

I want you to know I am profoundly sorry for breaking your heart and causing such horrible trauma. And that I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit. I can't make you miss me but please, I do want you to get back to me if one day you realize I'm the one you need beside you.

I want you to be happy, but not happier than when you were with me back in our days. I know I'm being selfish but I can't lie. After all, I think it's even considering that you left me when I was most vulnerable. I don't grudge, that's just all I ask. Remember me.